


To Hold

by aionimica



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anxiety, Communication, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Kissing, Married Couple, Married Life, Mentions of Sex, Old Marrieds, Panic Attacks, domesticity kink, heavy makeouts, staying in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 02:49:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17275685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aionimica/pseuds/aionimica
Summary: “I had a bad dream.” For god’s sake, she sounded like a child, waking up in the middle of the night, unable to soothe herself back to sleep. But Ben was there, Ben was there and he didn’t care -- hadn’t ever cared.And so he asked the question Rey both wanted and desperately hoped he wouldn’t. “Do you want to talk about it?”-----------Rey can’t sleep. Ben never sleeps. So some nights, they just talk.





	To Hold

**Author's Note:**

> My piece for the 1st Volume of the Reylo Charity Anthology <3
> 
> I have a bit of a domestication kink and a love for fics that show the “staying in love” portion of relationships. The dirty, nitty gritty of sharing life together and working through past experiences together and moving forward from there. A lot of times it's the same rut over and over but it’s life and love.
> 
> This ended up being therapeutic in many ways for me, even though it’s short, because of how important words are in a relationship. How important open communication -- constant open communication -- is to a long lasting healthy relationship. How looking out for each other’s needs and is more than just sex and pleasure and being “in love”. It’s finding your trenches and your loved ones trenches and being willing to hunker down their with them. 
> 
> And then the aging. How being with each other isn’t always explosive, even though you want it to be. How you miss the explosions some days but not the tensions that went along with them. There is joy in the journey and I wanted to write that side of life. Because Rey and Ben deserve that type of soft epilogue.
> 
> Many thanks to meritmut and diasterisms for betaing this for me <3

* * *

 

 

Rey woke to blackness. Slowly the world faded to grey, the ethereal realities of half-remembered terrors fading to the ever-pressing dark of the night. Instinctively, she pressed against warm back along hers -- his breath came steady and sure and even. 

She nudged. “Hey.”

It was quiet, the only sound coming from the occasional whir of air as it circulated through the house. Off in the distance rain beat gently against the windows. Next to Rey, her phone read out 1:03 AM. She took a deep breath and tried again. 

“Ben?”

“What is it?” Ben’s voice was clear as day, soft and low and devoid of the heavy fog of sleep. It almost made Rey laugh that he was awake. He was always awake long after she drifted off. It was one of their fundamental differences: the freedom to make his own schedule, the ability to sleep in and stay out and damn the consequences was ingrained in him. Rey could never afford that luxury; most of her days began before the stars went down. 

“I had a bad dream.” For god’s sake, she sounded like a child, waking up in the middle of the night, unable to soothe herself back to sleep. But Ben was there, Ben was there and he didn’t care -- hadn’t ever cared. 

And so he asked the question Rey both wanted and desperately hoped he wouldn’t. “Do you want to talk about it?”

No. “No.”

Ben raised an eyebrow as she stared at him expectantly. “But you don’t want to not talk about it?”

“No.” She glared at him from under what bits of hair fell from her bun. “When did you become so astute?”

He shrugged and even in the dim light, she saw his blush rise from his chest to his ears. “Therapy has multiple benefits, I guess,” he grumbled before looking up at her with that crooked smile she could trace like the back of her hand. “Not to mention -- how many years have we been married?”

The grin came and left before Rey could process it. “Not long enough.”

Ben’s lumbering form rolled over and soon she was met with bright brown eyes gazing at her through the dark. A hand brushed hair out of her face. “My comment was supposed to be a joke. That bad?”

Her silence answered for her. Ben scooted closer. Rey curled in. 

“What was it this time?”

“Everything,” she bit out. It wasn’t a lie. Her hands clasped tightly together, keeping her words from spilling out. Certain things Rey knew she could handle with ease. Standing up for what she believed in, speaking her mind -- either from behind a podium at one of Leia’s events or even as herself speaking for what she believed in to a friend or colleague. That gave her hope, gave her strength. But the times her words failed her, the times she found her mouth wired shut by her own volition, it was when they spoke dark truths she wished desperately she could forget. 

It still came out every now and again, old ghosts reached out to her from the past, taint her mind and pull her close. Most days she was able to keep them at bay. But some nights, late at night, they crooned in her ear, whisper truths she once held close -- that everyone would leave eventually, everybody leaves; Ben leaves, has left, will leave again -- and Rey can’t do anything but listen.

Ghosts are dreams are ghosts of pains past and present, and dreams and dark truths have never truly ever left her alone.

She met his eyes then. “I dreamt you left.” Ben glanced away. Rey swallowed. “You left me. Right here, alone in this bed, after all we’ve been through. After all these years, I woke up and you were gone with not even a note. You still didn’t care enough to at least tell me what--”

“That was a dream, Rey.” He cut her off, his hand warm against her cheek. Fingers cupped the back of her head in offered reassurance.

“Really?” She sat up then, pulling his hand away, her heart beating fast. “What about when you went to Washington?”

Ben followed her, his hands on his knees, careful to not touch her. “That was years ago.”

“And I still have nightmares about it!” Rey wasn’t quite sure if she was yelling or if it was just the noise in her head that made everything seem so loud. That it’s going to happen again, that you’re going to leave me again, that you’ll find someone or something else that is more elusive — or better or — more perfect than me.” She couldn’t look at him now. Not now, not as she felt his eyes caress her skin with something she didn’t deserve.  “Something you can’t turn away from and I’ll—I’ll be left here, alone… again.”

He didn’t reply at first. Rey wanted to crawl away and hide in the blankets; dig a deep hole into warmth and darkness made of cotton that would soak up her tears. What else could he be thinking, if not his excuse for leaving? Why else would he be silent?

“That won’t happen,” he said eventually. Rey didn’t move. The sheets fell down, baring her shoulder. 

Finally she looked back to him. Back to those resolute dark eyes.  _ Liar _ , she wanted to cry.  “How do you know that?”

“Because I do.” His hands reached around her and tried to pull her back, back to him, back to their warm bed and the comfort of his arms. 

“You can’t.” Ben blinked and Rey looked away. “There’s no way you can know. You don’t know the future. I can’t…” Her hands became fists, balling at her side while her entire body tensed and coiled, waiting for the first chance to run. She had to run, because he was going to leave. 

“Rey…” He reached his hands. She stilled, letting him touch her but not giving in. “I’m going to kiss you. Do you want me to kiss you?”

Her breathing slowed as her husband’s arms wrapped around her, steady and strong, his hands calloused and scarred tight against her abdomen. 

Because this is what her mind did. It shrieked and yelled at its highest octave, whispering old truths and fallen lies, poisonous things wrapped in sweetness that she couldn’t ignore. A part of her knew Ben -- knew him now, knew him for years, knew he wouldn’t leave and yet -- 

This is where she knew him. In these moments where she crumpled under the weight of herself and his arms found her to pick her back up.

“Yes,” she whispered, closing her eyes as his lips pressed along the nape of her neck. 

_ Yes _ , like his touch would banish the night.  _ Yes,  _ like the way she moaned his name the first time he fucked her, his touch long and slow as she ached to be more a part of him; to make him more a part of her.  _ Yes,  _ like when she agreed to marry him; to leave Johnson behind, to be Solo forever.

His kisses were magic, pieces of light, bright as the sun of her childhood desert that kept all the ghosts at bay. They’d run and hide in the dark of her mind, but for a moment, he could kiss her and she’d fall into them and him and and drift away on the solidity of Ben. He left and came back, her brain whispered. They’d been together for how many years now? Almost a decade divided between dating and marriage and their separation happened even before that. 

“I was a fucking idiot.”

Rey stilled. Slowly she turned. Ben glanced off to the side, his gaze hooded. 

He buried his forehead against hers, his lips moving furiously as he struggled against his own warring heart. “You know it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a hundred times to make you believe it. I was an idiot. I made mistakes and worst of all I hurt you and I live with those repercussions every day.”

He kissed her once, there on the crown of her cheek. “And I’m sorry. Forgive me, Rey, I am so sorry.” His voice wavered now, the hands that held hers trembled.

He kissed her twice, lingering in the corner of her mouth where her lips threaten to smile. She tasted salt -- his tears, not hers. “And nothing I say now will change what I’ve done. It’s done. I’ve screwed up.I left you and even though I came back, it’s still the dumbest thing I’ve done.”

She closed her eyes. He needed to leave for work -- that’s what he told her that night outside her dorm years ago. A new project opened up a few states away. She could come with him if he wanted. 

Snoke’s firm was lucrative, at least that’s what he told her. Government contracts pay well and he got a promotion to head up a project of his own. He had to go, he had no choice. He would be next in line for COO. Snoke had told him he was preparing him for this project for years and that he had to leave or resign. She can still see that way he couldn’t meet her eyes when he told her he was on the first flight in the morning. It was ten that night. 

Even now, Rey could still feel the fallen dread in her chest as he stepped back every few seconds. Rey had school, friends and a life that she wouldn’t leave for a fling she only met a few weeks prior, no matter how much her heart screamed when he walked away. 

Ben left. Rey stayed. She cried and cursed his name and it felt like a curse that she saw him again at one of Leia’s parties. New Years. It was three years almost to the day since he left.  

That night she saw him immediately as he towered above the crowd. His hair was longer than when he left, his face uncharacteristically patchy with facial hair. He was always clean shaven when they dated. And even though she tried, Rey couldn’t help but keep her eyes on him. And when he saw her, she knew it was only a matter of time before he walked to her side.

‘ _ You have every right to hate me _ ,’ he had said without preamble,  _ ‘but I wanted to let you know that I was an asshole. And that you look beautiful tonight _ .’

He left before she could reply, which was probably the best given the number of drinks she had and she couldn’t find him the rest of the night. But over the next few months, she saw him more and more -- at Poe’s and at Leia’s and even once at Finn’s. 

And one night she found herself with him out in the stars. They talked and said nothing, unable to deny it as they fell back into that comfortable intimacy with each other. He never left again.

It’s been a decade since then and Rey reminded herself of that truth -- of change and time and the fact that his arms were around her now, and that it’s his scent that she’s tasting him alongside her own tears. 

“And I’m not leaving you,” he said lowly, reassuringly, desperately. Ben looked at her, solemn. “We’ve already agreed you have to die before me, remember?” 

She couldn’t help herself as she laughed at that. It was their own joke in a morbid way, she won’t be left behind. Not even at the very end. They came up with it one of the first nights she spent at his place when she woke up in the middle of the night, sure that it was going to end poorly. That he would leave again and Rey would be alone. 

‘ _ I’m not leaving you _ ,’ he promised that night in the dark.

‘ _ But what if you die? Then you’ll leave me _ .’ It had all made sense then.

‘ _ I can’t control that, _ ” he said as he lay her back down and propped himself above her. His abs were impeccable back then, firm and covered in soft hair that trailed down towards his groin. Ben growled into her shoulder. “ _ But I promise to do my best to not die before you _ .’

‘ _ Fine _ ,” she snapped as his mouth devoured hers, his hands holding her still as she let him enter and drifted away on the drive of his hips and the fullness of him.

She raised a hand to his chest before pulling it away. Even so she lingered just out of reach. Not breaking her gaze, Ben reached up and gently took her hand to his chest, pressing her palm flat against his roping scar.

“You’re not alone…” he whispered in the dark. Something glistened on the light of their phones, the simple gold of his wedding band that matched the identical one on her left ring finger. 

Marriage. Love. Commitment. 

_ To never leave my side. To not leave you or forsake you _ was what they promised each other.

“Can you hold me?” She asked it quietly in the dark. The sheets rustle as Ben repositions himself and his arms reach around her and pull her back, back into that warm chest of his, back into the softness that covers all of the sharp edges of his past. “I’ve already forgiven you,” she said. “A thousand times over. Before we dated, before you asked me to marry you. It’s that… scars take forever to heal you know.” 

He kissed her shoulder, there on her scar, like he did from their very first night. “I do.”

“And they still ache and they still hurt and I forgive you and I don’t want you to leave. It’s that -- I can’t help but feel like I’m not the thing that’s keeping you here” she mumbled into his arm. “Or that I’m not worthy to be that thing.”

Ben twisted around, his eyes narrowed. “What?”

“I’m not the prettiest anymore.” Rey nearly gestured to herself in the dark. Age does things, brings lines and weight to places that not even the best workouts could fix. And diets weren’t really her style. Lines found their way to her forehead and if she looked close enough in the mirror, she swore she saw grey last week.

It was impossible to not compare back to that girl he met so long ago, who could run marathons and deadlift like no one was watching. She could still do that today, but she didn’t look as good doing it. And surely Ben noticed. And one day he’d tire and he’d leave. 

Because everybody leaves.

“You’re beautiful,” he said as he inhaled against her skin, his own heat keeping away the chill of the night. 

She mumbled into his arm, burrowing her face away towards the warmth and the dark, away from whatever light Ben chose to shine on her in truth. He always told her this in these moments, when she only felt her pain and her loss. When she didn’t believe it, when she didn’t believe that there was rightness and deserving in the world.

“You know that,” he said as he looked into her eyes, “right?”

She didn’t. She couldn’t. Because surely he wouldn’t stay, the ghosts whispered. Your parents didn’t want you as a child, why anyone want you now? Why would he? Old and alone, they whispered. You’ll be old and alone. 

But then there was the look in his eyes. That hardened gaze that once looked across to her what should have been a battlefield. And she did know. There was always truth that fell between them, that he’d never let her forget. 

“Ben…”

“You’re beautiful.”

Eyes closed she leaned her head against him, pleading. “Ben.”

“You’re beautiful, Rey, and I won’t stop telling you that. Not when you deny it, and not even when you believe it, because you are,” -- he paused a moment to kiss her four times in the four corners of her face -- cheek, forehead, cheek and chin -- “the most beautiful woman I will ever see.”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m--” A finger pressed to her lips cut the words off. 

“I’m going to kiss you again, Rey,” Ben said quietly. She watched his eyes roam over her skin, taking her in. He looked angelic in the dark, his outline illuminated by the glow of the moon. “I’m going to kiss every inch of you. Your face --” and his fingers trailed the line of her nose and the curve of her jaw “-- your neck, your beautiful neck.” And his lips found her there, in the sweet curve beneath her jaw, his lips working furiously as teeth nipped and tongue soothed. 

“It shapes you,” he said, as his hands worked down her shoulders, caressing her arms and hands as his lips followed, kissing scars and freckles and each individual knuckle before pressing into the palm of her hand. “Your strength and your softness.”

She gasped as he paused over her breasts. The lines on his face were deeper, there was grey coming in at his temples and parts of him were weary. But he was her Ben. His jaw was still that chiseled shape that ranged from handsome to odd depending on the lighting and his mood. She could still count his moles like she counted stars in the sky, creating constellations across his back. And when she looked at him, she saw the spark in his eye and the delight on his lips and ached to be the same for him. 

“I love you, Rey,” he said hoarsely. “I love you until the end and even beyond. And I will spend every waking moment I have to make sure you know it. And how beautiful you are --”

She met him there, all in his arms, her hands roaming across his chest as he turned her around in his lap. He tasted stale, of warm water and sleep. But he was soft and warm, his lips gentle and tender as they worked around. She pulled him in, tasting him on her tongue and giving of her own as he gently requested entrance. She gave it willingly. Hands found her hair and pulled her back, guiding her closer and closer. Her fingers twisted around to the nape of his neck and knotted in the curls, his black and grey curls. They swayed together, stayed together until she pulled him back down to the bed, to the sheets and looked him in the eye.

Rey pulled him down, drinking of him deeply and whispered on his tongue, “I love you, Ben.”

When she pulled back he was a statue in relief, a god in her bed, married to her and bound for all eternity.  _ Mine, mine _ , her heart beat rapidly.  _ Mine, Mine _ . 

Ben smiled and kissed her once, chastely before leaning down. His hand reached under her shirt, his fingers gently teasing her breast. She gasped and felt his grin against her cheek as he whispered in her ear, “I know.”

The words fell in and out in moments, lost as he bent down and suckled on her skin, teasing her nipple with his tongue. Gasps became aches became moans as he worked his way down, baring her skin to the sky and worshipping every inch. 

_ Beautiful _ , was what he said and beautiful was how she felt there in his arms. Held close and lifted up. 

The rolled together, their legs tangled in sheets and each other. His hands roamed, pulling and pressing her close, hungry for her skin against his. Closer and closer, that’s where she needed to be, so close that he couldn’t push her away and she would never want to be taken anywhere else.

She could have stayed like that until morning, watching him watch her as he takes his hand lower still and stirs at her core, pulling more and more out of her as he fucks her with his hand, waiting for her to come nice and wet. But then Rey shifts and the warmth becomes tingles and it’s not very pleasant anymore and weariness settles in her bones and her moans became laughs and Rey reached out a hand and held him back. 

Ben paused, panting. Fuck, if that sight didn’t nearly undo her. He endeared himself over and over again, always in these moment -- exhausted working for her. Rey glanced up at him, her breath coming short, her laugh breathless. “What?” he asked as she giggled.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her hands to his cheek and her fingers trailing in his hair. “I love you, but I’m… tired. It’s late and my brain, well. It’s not working.”

“Yeah…” he groaned as he lowered himself on top of her, his chest pressing into her as he placed mindless kisses on her shoulder. “It’s not. God I’m old. This didn’t used to happen.”

Rey ran her hand through his hair and kissed his temple, right above the pinnacle of his scar. “Old man.”

He looked up and glared at her. She giggled again and kissed his cheek. “My old man. To have and to hold--”

“For now and forever.” She followed him as Ben rolled on his side, taking her with him. She snuggled there in his arms, complete and whole. Safe and warm. Illuminated by the light and warmth of his eyes. 

“Tomorrow?” he asked almost pleadingly as she kissed him on his jaw.

“Oh don’t worry,” Rey said, his eyes sparking as she kissed him softly. She let her tongue linger, her lips pulling away from his. “I won’t forget.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ben left Rey before they were officially together, but for a girl whose been left behind more times than not, I know from experience that any loss would scar. I gave Rey separation anxiety disorder, because while she is incredibly resilient, there are still things to grow and heal from. 
> 
> Timeline clarification: Rey was a junior in college (21) when Ben (29) left her. They remet when she was 25, began dating later that year. Married when she was 29, he was 37. Now she’s 35/36 and he’s 42/43 at the time of this fic.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this old married couple. Thank you for reading!!


End file.
